I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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