I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
