I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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