New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
