I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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