You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
