Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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