im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
