im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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