is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
