I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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