when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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