Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
