Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
