So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
