somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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