I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
