First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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