i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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