You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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