As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
