you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
