i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
