dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
