I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
