she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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