I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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