In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
