Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
