I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
