I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
