I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
