If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
