Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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