i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
