Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
