Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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