She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
