I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
