don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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