So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
