the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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