he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
