census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
