he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
