pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
