found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
