wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
