I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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