I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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