i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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