at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
