Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
