as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
