so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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