You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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