Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
