I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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